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Epic Success Dip

About a week ago, I took part in a dinner party of sorts where all of the people in attendance were required to provide a dip for the group.  I have never attempted to make a dip in my entire life, so this task was a little daunting.  Before even looking at dip recipes or coming up with ingredients I would need to procure, I decided my dip would indeed be named Success Dip.

The route to creating Success Dip was not a difficult journey.  First, I thought of things that any human being on the face of the planet would enjoy.  My list shot off in my head at the speed of a speeding locomotive.  Choo Choo motherfucker!

Bacon, Cheddar Cheese, Cream Cheese, Ranch Dressing, Mayo, Montreal Steak Spice, Garlic, Worcester Sauce, Dijon Mustard.

Sadly I have not found a way to combine all of these ingredients into one Amazing Epic Success Dip, but I have managed to put quite a few of them into one.  Using the guess and test method, I began to put all of these ingredients together as best I could not keeping track of how much of each ingredient.  The end result was not only a success, it was an EPIC Success of a Dip.  So much so, that this evening, I bought all of the Epic Success Dip ingredients and re-assembled it the best I could taking notes and pictures as I created it in hopes of being able to share with the world the mind blowing heart attack creation that is the Epic Success Dip.  In an attempt to not hear myself get fatter while eating this dip, for this round I used Light Mayo and Light Cream Cheese, but feel free to throw caution to the wind, if you do find yourself creating Epic Success Dip.

In order to make Epic Success Dip, you will need the following:

Bacon – 6 strips
Cream Cheese – 250g/8oz
Ranch Dressing – 3 to 4 table spoons
Mayonnaise – 7 table spoons
Cheddar Cheese – 75g/2.7oz
Dijon Mustard – 1 teaspoon

All of these sizes are rough, you can change it up as you see fit.


The holy pantheon of epic deliciousness


1) Put 250g of cream cheese in your mixing container of choice.  Preferably have the cream cheese at room temperature.

2) Cook 6 strips of bacon until relatively crispy.  Then dice the bacon into teeny tiny little bits of bacon.

3) Take the bacon grease from the pan and slather it all over the cream cheese, remember, its your heart attack, so adjust accordingly.


Everything IS better with bacon!

4) At this point, I’d mix it around a little bit, a spoon or fork should be fine.

5) Now we add the mayo and ranch dressing.  I learned tonight that I put in about 7 tablespoons of mayo.  I thought I only put two and a half, but I have been corrected.

In the cooking world, apparently this is NOT one tablespoon of Mayo.

6) Ranch dressing application was actually a few, long squirts that works out to about 3 or 4 “real person” tablespoons.  Once again, mix.

7) Now grate 75g of cheese.  It’s like, this much.

8} (nipple bracket in order to avoid the sunglass smiley taking over the number 8, poor number 8) (UPDATE: DAMMIT!)  Then dice the grated cheese like you did the bacon and add it to the rest of the sloppy mess in the bowl or tupperware container, depending on what life choices you have made.  Then start fixin’ to get a mixin’.

9) Now add a TEAspoon, not a tablespoon, but a teaspoon of dijon mootard (yes, mootard).

This was a BIT too much.

10) Now it’s about at this point that I look at this mess that I’ve made and think, wow, now that is a bit too creamy for me.  Then I add about an 1/8th of a cup of water and an 1/8th of a cup of whatever oil I have kickin around.  Canola, Vegetable, Motor…whatever you see fit.

11) BOOM!  Refrigerate for a bit, cuz dip is better a bit cold and then, eat…preferably with Wheat Thins, because they’re the bomb.

Now isn't that a thing of beauty?

Epic. Success. Dip.

And, scene.